Dec. 6: The Dog vs. The Blowjob

Happy winter ya'll! Bloomington is so damn cold now I can't believe it. One night I fell asleep and woke up to find out that winter is raping me!! (w/out lube ugh) One day, it's mid 60s the next day, FORGET IT!! It's like 20 fucking degrees! I just want to move to the equator. Literally, just curl up and live in the center of the center of the mother fucking earth! Although...I hate sweating.

So fellas I have a question for you. (Girls you can answer too...if you have a penis).

Would you rather play with your dog, or get great head?

Kind of an easy question right? That's what I thought! Until I was proven wrong...So, the other day I'm sexting with this guy (that I've hooked up with before so he knows I'm good, I mean who doesn't know, I'm fucking fantastic!) Ahem...anyway...So we're sexting and he says "I'm free between 4.30 and 5.30" and I'm like "great, I'll be there" and he says "awesome, I'll text you" (we have to schedule things because he has a girlfriend...whoops!

So anyway, 4.20 (tee hee) comes around and still no text, so I text him "yay or nay?" and he texts back, get this, "Hey I'm sorry, my dog needs attention...but don't give up on meee"

WTF!? Here I am sitting in my apartment, mouth watering, trying to figure out if I need to get ready or not, and he wants to play with his DOG!? Let's put it on the scale shall we?

DOG......BLOWJOB? FUCKING DUH!!!

Well, so I just text back "that's fine, but now I get to call you a tease" and he has the nerve to say "awesome...and my body is solid"

Hmmm....well I guess we won't know NOW will we? Because I am at home twiddling my thumbs while your dog gets to enjoy that 'solid body'.

BTW if you're reading this, Solid Body, I'm not bitter at all. ;)

Nov. 28: 4 Long Islands does not a Class Act make

Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!! Hope yours was a little better than mine. Here's the rundown..

Tuesday night: Drank with some friends in my hometown

Wednesday night: Went out with the same group of friends plus two others and hit all 2 bars in my hometown, drank too much, blacked out and went home

Thursday: Thanksgiving (and got laryngitis)

Friday: Okay ya'll here's where it gets crusty...

So, last night I went to Uncle E's as a very fly tranny, giving everyone face, and told myself I would NOT SPEND ANY MONEY EXCEPT COVER (because i'm a broke 'trans'cender, remember?) Well, it's very easy to accept free drinks isn't it? So, before I know it, I've had 4 long islands and am trying to keep it all together. From what I remember, I escaped a touchy feely older man who was literally trying to finger me out on the back patio. I screamed, ran inside grabbed my coat and my purse and marched my pink satin heels straight (okay, stumbling) to my car and got in. But NO, this fool decides that he's gonna FOLLOW ME TO MY CAR. I locked my door, screamed "Get the fuck back motherfucker!" and peeled out of the parking lot, almost hitting him in the process (what? he deserved it).

Don't worry I got home safe, locked my door, curled up in my bed and was very happy to be alive. And very VERY happy that that mean old man did not do worse things to me. I have to admit I was feeling so wonderful that I had survived the night.

...then I woke up this morning in vomit.

Happy Holidays!

Nov. 17: Remember that credit card?...

Okay so, it's gone, and I am materialistically happier, yet somehow eating is going to be a challenge...whatever. Who needs food if you have sexy stuff?! I'd rather be hungry with a fossil watch on my wrist and listening to my ipod touch, than fat (unsexy) and not being able to tell time. Right?

PLUS!...I spent so much that I have like almost 20 000 thank you points! You know, like rewards? It's totes amay-may. (that's 'totally amazing' for you uneducated group). So, I can either get a 10 piece stainless steel cooking ware set? or, an electronic martini shaker/stirer. (I don't know how it works either). What do you think?! Because I'm honestly torn between the two.

So anyway..the roommate...haven't talked about him in a while...(come to think of it I haven't talked about anything in a while..oops)

He has, like, the plague or something. I hear him coughing up a fucking testicle so often that I have to leave my own damn house to get some piece and quiet! I mean...how am I supposed to have any kind of sexy sex life with Mr. Emphysema in the next room shaking the walls with his epic coughs?

And this dishes! My god, I had no idea that a sick individual could still eat so much. And then leave all the empty boxes and dirty dishes lying around in the kitchen! Poor Simone, she's the one that picks it all up, whistling while she works. haha,

Meanwhile I'm sitting on the couch watching food network, in my zebra print Snuggie and a cosmo in my left hand, complemented by an excellently accessorized Fossil watch. Ohhhh, the debt life is good ;)

Oct 8: Dawn of a new Era

A.K.A. the Era of Credit Debt.

Whose bright idea was it over at CitiBank to grant me the preposterous wish of a high credit limit!? I know myself and it will disappear so quickly I won't even have time to return anything! Although I will say the new Ipod Touch is pretty cool. But then I had to buy the iHome and then I sorta said, "Okay honey. Time to slow down."

In other news Heidi Klum wants to change her last name? Yea, she wants to change it to Samuel because that's Seal's last name. Ok, I'm not Heidi but if I had an exotic last name like Klum you couldn't pay me enough to change it to some boring old name like Samuel (ok maybe you could pay me, whoops)! Besides, no one even knew that was Seal's last name anyway, didn't everyone just call him Seal? But when you talk about Heidi Klum you have to say Heidi Klum because no one's on a first name basis with Heidi Klum! And NOW no one will want to say Heidi Samuel, so they'll probably just say, "Oh, did you see that new Project Runway? That girl, Heidi used-to-be-Klum is FIERCE!"

I wish I had enough sex to write a sex column. Wouldn't that be great?! Getting paid for having sex and no one will call you a whore?! Sign me up!

Oct 1: Happy October!! A.k.A. Hocus Pocus month

So last year, we watched the Disney movie Hocus Pocus every single day in October. First of all, good education. Why? Because I'm a crazy witch as WELL and I LET THEM HAVE IT!!! Second of all, it's a classic. Duh. And anyone who doesn't like it can turn their tragic slingbacks around and walk the fuck off!

Gossip Girl has been off to an ok start this year. Not too terribly exciting but still good.

In other news, this Sunday is the GLBT Black Tie Gala at Jake's Nightclub. It's going to be off the fucking CLIP-ON!! The Drag show will be nothing less than epic. And this fierce bitch is going painted to the TENS! (nines didn't cut it)

Sept 19: So, it's been awhile, what are you gonna do?

Hand sanitizer: the cure to everything.

I seriously don't know who invented hand sanitizer, but it's prolly the most convenient, magical shit I've ever had. I use it all the time and because of it I never get SICK!!...

...except for that one time (like right now) that I'm totally on my death bed...okay that's dramatic, I'm fine except for I sound like Julie Andrews (after the surgery, yikes). Whatever I'm taking Zicam like there's no tomorrow and hoping for a fast recovery. Send me a get well card if you wish! (But, if there's nothing tangible inside, I just want to let you know I'll prolly throw it away oops!)

So, the straightmate (so I've dubbed him) is getting along fine with two fierce bitches. Although, I think he might have a slight drinking problem? Ok, stop lying Vicki. Let's be real, if he has a drinking problem, I'm in trouble. I actually love that he drinks so much because it gives me something to watch, hahahaha.

September 4: Post Part-um

First of all, is that how you spell Post Part-um? As in...Post Part-um Depression? I'm not even sure what it means I just know it's a phrase and I'm going to use it.

ANYWAY!

So, first week of classes and everything is a whirlwind. Auditions, acting classes, dance classes, gender studies classes (with a bunch of bitter, sexless women who can't see the beauty in a phallic national monument. I mean, seriously? Are you that sexually frustrated that you have to go after dicks? Maybe it's you! Maybe you should be attacking vaginas instead? They're not that pretty. And think about it...phallic buildings are easier to build structurally. And if you're pissed that there aren't any buildings that resemble female genetalia...don't forget about football stadiums. They look pretty 'cunty' to me.).

That was a parenthetical rant if anyone was wondering.

Any-boop! The party scene hasn't really been that crazy this week because of, duh, classes. But, after this first week it should start to pick back up. I always compare parties in Bloomington to Lindsay Lohan: No matter how many times they die down, they always seem to annoyingly creep back up to be popular for a while before getting destroyed again. Tomorrow, for instance is the MT party at the Angulo House. I've already asked out my date. He's one of the best dates to go to a party with. In fact, if anyone would like to take my date to a party, I'm more than willing to share. His name is Patron: Silver. And he's shy until you cozy up to him, and then somehow all your clothes come off. It's really strange.

Tune in next time for: Crazy babies taking over the world!