Oct 8: Dawn of a new Era

A.K.A. the Era of Credit Debt.

Whose bright idea was it over at CitiBank to grant me the preposterous wish of a high credit limit!? I know myself and it will disappear so quickly I won't even have time to return anything! Although I will say the new Ipod Touch is pretty cool. But then I had to buy the iHome and then I sorta said, "Okay honey. Time to slow down."

In other news Heidi Klum wants to change her last name? Yea, she wants to change it to Samuel because that's Seal's last name. Ok, I'm not Heidi but if I had an exotic last name like Klum you couldn't pay me enough to change it to some boring old name like Samuel (ok maybe you could pay me, whoops)! Besides, no one even knew that was Seal's last name anyway, didn't everyone just call him Seal? But when you talk about Heidi Klum you have to say Heidi Klum because no one's on a first name basis with Heidi Klum! And NOW no one will want to say Heidi Samuel, so they'll probably just say, "Oh, did you see that new Project Runway? That girl, Heidi used-to-be-Klum is FIERCE!"

I wish I had enough sex to write a sex column. Wouldn't that be great?! Getting paid for having sex and no one will call you a whore?! Sign me up!

Oct 1: Happy October!! A.k.A. Hocus Pocus month

So last year, we watched the Disney movie Hocus Pocus every single day in October. First of all, good education. Why? Because I'm a crazy witch as WELL and I LET THEM HAVE IT!!! Second of all, it's a classic. Duh. And anyone who doesn't like it can turn their tragic slingbacks around and walk the fuck off!

Gossip Girl has been off to an ok start this year. Not too terribly exciting but still good.

In other news, this Sunday is the GLBT Black Tie Gala at Jake's Nightclub. It's going to be off the fucking CLIP-ON!! The Drag show will be nothing less than epic. And this fierce bitch is going painted to the TENS! (nines didn't cut it)

Sept 19: So, it's been awhile, what are you gonna do?

Hand sanitizer: the cure to everything.

I seriously don't know who invented hand sanitizer, but it's prolly the most convenient, magical shit I've ever had. I use it all the time and because of it I never get SICK!!...

...except for that one time (like right now) that I'm totally on my death bed...okay that's dramatic, I'm fine except for I sound like Julie Andrews (after the surgery, yikes). Whatever I'm taking Zicam like there's no tomorrow and hoping for a fast recovery. Send me a get well card if you wish! (But, if there's nothing tangible inside, I just want to let you know I'll prolly throw it away oops!)

So, the straightmate (so I've dubbed him) is getting along fine with two fierce bitches. Although, I think he might have a slight drinking problem? Ok, stop lying Vicki. Let's be real, if he has a drinking problem, I'm in trouble. I actually love that he drinks so much because it gives me something to watch, hahahaha.

September 4: Post Part-um

First of all, is that how you spell Post Part-um? As in...Post Part-um Depression? I'm not even sure what it means I just know it's a phrase and I'm going to use it.

ANYWAY!

So, first week of classes and everything is a whirlwind. Auditions, acting classes, dance classes, gender studies classes (with a bunch of bitter, sexless women who can't see the beauty in a phallic national monument. I mean, seriously? Are you that sexually frustrated that you have to go after dicks? Maybe it's you! Maybe you should be attacking vaginas instead? They're not that pretty. And think about it...phallic buildings are easier to build structurally. And if you're pissed that there aren't any buildings that resemble female genetalia...don't forget about football stadiums. They look pretty 'cunty' to me.).

That was a parenthetical rant if anyone was wondering.

Any-boop! The party scene hasn't really been that crazy this week because of, duh, classes. But, after this first week it should start to pick back up. I always compare parties in Bloomington to Lindsay Lohan: No matter how many times they die down, they always seem to annoyingly creep back up to be popular for a while before getting destroyed again. Tomorrow, for instance is the MT party at the Angulo House. I've already asked out my date. He's one of the best dates to go to a party with. In fact, if anyone would like to take my date to a party, I'm more than willing to share. His name is Patron: Silver. And he's shy until you cozy up to him, and then somehow all your clothes come off. It's really strange.

Tune in next time for: Crazy babies taking over the world!

August 27: We about to get grimy!

Welcome week has sure turned out to be nothing other than one of the craziest weeks of my life! Tuesday night was the weekly stripper night at Uncle E's and it's always paired with a drag show. Simone performed and I went to see her fabulous ass do what she DO! I bought the cutest little pink dress and paired it with my pink satin heels from Nine West. TOO GORGEOUS! The mistake I made, however, was only eating 3 Wheat Thins for dinner. Two long islands later, I'm walking around trying not to fall off of the 5 inches on my feet. The third long island wasn't a drink at all. I'm pretty sure it was just a roofie in water. For real, it felt like I needed an exorcism. But, I made it home fine and I'm still here, so BOOP!

Last night was pretty fly as well. Jordan and Logan hosted a party way out in the goonies by KERASOTE THEATRE! First of all, that's so far away. But, it turned out to be a pretty good time. I mean, until the Bright Blue Jungle Juice ran out. Let me tell you something. Once the booze runs out, so do I. I run to the nearest liquor store and continue at home with friends. This time, it was with Jen and David....until I broke Jen's lamp...then, I had to go home. No, I'm totally kidding, but I did break it and I don't want to talk about it.

What I DO want to talk about: how is it that Bloomington is all of a sudden filled to the brim with hot MEN!? It's amazing to me. At the start of every school year, IU is crawling with hot, tan, and gorgeous boys. Then, in the winter they all disappear and hibernate on top of each other, naked, in a cave somewhere, I just know it. Then, in the Spring they come back out to taunt us with their glistening bodies (that somehow got better through the winter) while jogging from fraternity to fraternity.

...well, maybe I don't want to talk about it...boop de doop!

August 23: Play fair Brenda

Okay so good news. He's not a slob. And I didn't come home to hideous wall litter. Although I did come home to a room that still needed to be unpacked. Ugh. But, NOW!? Everything is so out of your mind, CRAZY!!!

Last night was my first night back in Bloomington, Indiana for good! And the queens went and slapped the town silly! Simone, myself, and our dear goddess friend, Marissa Nicole tore the shit out of Jake's Nightclub. Or, well...brenda...Jake's tore the shit out of us...play fair. Marissa decided she was going to give her nightly dose of LOVE to the straight men in the club. Well, after a hearty 'FUCKIN FAGGOT' from one of the local bros, we hastened our asses to the door and made it back to House of Drag; me with my life, Marissa with her goddess status still intact, and Simone with Herpes. And by Herpes, I mean a hickey. My mistake, they both start with 'H'! All in all, a perfect start to Welcome Week at IU. Can't wait to see what us Demon Divas stir up next!

We have a house guest this week. Miss Bradley Wantz is residing on our luscious living room sofa. I can't decide if she has a demon inside, or if she's just plain crazy. Right this moment, he's dancing to himself in front of our decorative wall fan above the fire place. Yup...crazy.

This week is going to be stupid fly!

August 12: Move-In Day

What do you get when two drag queen best friends and a random straight guy move in together? Well, fuck gurl, I have no idea! But, I intend to find out. I guess you could call this the most dysfunctional social experiment of the year.

My name is Victoria Foxx. I am a Drag Queen. Duh. Tiffany Simone Alexander is my new roommate and has been my best friend for ages. Now, we were supposed to move in with Simone's ballerina friend Elliot, but complications arose; ergo, the straight bait.

We know absolutely nothing about him except he's a T.A., he has a girlfriend, and his name is Todd. Or, maybe it's Tyler? (Whatever, we know it starts with a 'T'. That's the most important thing right?)

Simone and I moved our asses in yesterday. 10 Grueling hours of packing, unloading, repacking, and re-unloading a 10 ft U-Haul was kinda-much and utterly exhausting. Yet, after all's said and done, Apt. 18 is absolutely FIERCE!! T-Boy (maybe that's what we'll call him) doesn't really have any say in the decor, but I'm sure he'll love it.

Yup, that's right. We haven't even MET the bitch! We won't see him until next Friday. This is because Miss Alexander has gone to her home state of Louisiana and I had to go back to work in another city while The Breeder moves in this Saturday. This is what I'm dreading coming back to:

a) The apartment empty with a note that says, "Thanks for all the cool shit"

b) Dirty dishes and trash lying around (yuck)

or the worst

c) Hideous posters of beer and a neon "We're Open" sign littering the already flawless walls (Lord, have mercy)

No, no gurl. That just will not do. I guess the only thing to do is wait anxiously on hairpins and needles until next Friday. Till then darlings...