September 12: Question MARK!

It is 1:12 AM on Saturday night. I am sitting in bed. I am on my computer. All of those seem normal, except that at this particular point in time, I am not drunk. I am completely and surprisingly sober! I honestly couldn't tell you the last saturday night that I was sober. But you know what? I kind of like the feeling. The feeling that I am going to wake up tomorrow fresh and ready for the day and not have to worry about feeling like absolute shit for the entire day.. so I guess it's a win for me. Maybe I should try this more often?

Another episode of Jersey Shore is on Sunday night before the VMAs.
WAIT!!!
Before I get to all of my shore babies, I have to let you know something horrifying, ridiculous, and all around perfect! My apartment building stopped providing cable and told us all we had to find our own means of getting cable. Fine. What did we get? 100 more channels, HD Channels, On Demand, HBO, Starz, and DVR. Guess who is never leaving the house again?...me! I mean, seriously, did I go overboard? And also, who the fuck cares! I'll do what I want! haha

Back to Shore:

May possibly (no probably, no....definitely) go as Snookie for Halloween. I SHOULD have gone as her last year, but I think Jersey Shore Season 1 premiered after Halloween was over last year, I'm not sure. But THIS year, it's time for me to Snook-it-up. WAH!

Who are YOU going to be for Halloween? Calling all guidos, juiceheads and gorillas to be my date for the night. You know you want some snookie to go!

September 1: A New Outlook

Life twists and turns on itself so much, that sometimes, we as human beings don't know up from down, or left from right. In fact, many times we see things not as how they are but misconstrued and, well, fucked up. It's not that I resent the idea that we have to take things with a grain of salt, but rather I resent that we are all held responsible for not only our actions, but also things that happen to us that are far outside of our control. (this was an example of a run on sentence, do NOT use one of theses in english class or you will get an F.) It IS true, however, that this blog entry is far to formal for my taste, so I shall stop now.. remind me to tell about the call back and audition situation tomorrow. It is too fresh for me today.

August 31: School, school, and more school

Back to school children! I've got 18 hours of happiness every week. Plus juggling two jobs, 2 roommates, and you KNOW I have to somehow please my countless lovers. Ugh, life can be difficult but you know? I kind of like the stress. More to come, just wanted to let you all know I haven't given up! In the immortal words of Sondheim, "I'm still here, BITCH!" (That's what he wrote, right?)

July 5th: Back to a somewhat normal life

So I think my life is slowly headed back to the safer side of normal...for now. Mainly because
I've successfully eluded strippers in all way, shape, and drunken form. And I've been taking it
easy, avoiding drinking establishments and making sure I'm on my best behavior.
Ok, cut the bull shit. Let's face it, all I have to do is walk past a bar, and I get sucked inside. I
mean, it's not my fault that I get weirdly affected by the gravity!
Case in point..one night this weekend, I was just harmlessly walking across the street with som
friends to a store that just so happened to be right next to B-A-R. Well, before we knew it, we
were all inside with drinks at a table! It was the strangest thing. I mean, there's no use in wasting
drinks, so we thought, "Why not?" So we stayed.
I don't know what it is about small town bars, but frequenters are just hilarious. Take Karaoke
night. Every time I go to Karaoke, there is this guy dressed from head to toe like a cowboy.
Complete with hat, chaps (no, they're not assless), boots, and spurs. And then he sings a tone
deaf version of "Boot, scoot, and boogie" 10 times in a row. And no one is stopping him!?
Hello? That is one reason that I have to keep drinking to stay sane.

Another reason is this old woman (who looks like she's at a crossroads of Arthritis and Death),
that dances and moves her white head of hair around to "Pop, Lock, and Drop It"...alone. Every
time I see that, it's over...I might as well be blacked out and down for the count.
I guess when it all comes down to it...it's the little things in life that make you happy. For me, it's\
that occasional gravitational pull. What makes you happy?

July 1: The Weirdest Week of my Life

Remember Cinnmon the Stripper? Little did I know that was the start of the Weirdest Week of my Life.

That Wednesday I went out to Bar here in FL. There are literally three huge, red, light up letters that spell out 'B-A-R'. You know, just in case people get confused. Anyway me and a couple friends are kicking back, singing karaoke, drinking some giggle juice and just hanging out. Well, this chick, that looked and smelled like she had been drinking since at least the day before, came over and sat down next to me..

"Cann I, liikee, borrewr, yeerrr shirtt sumtime?.." She slurred

"Um...no," I tried to ignore her, unsuccesfully.

"Well, Will and GRACE shhsare thiinngsss alll the ttiiimmee!"

"Hmm...first of all they know each other and I have no idea who you are. Second of all, that is a fictional TV show."

I thought that I had lost her, but she did the unthinkable. She rushed me and tried to KISS me!! Ok what is it with these girls? Shoving my head into boobs, and now rape kissing? Seriously is there a sign on my back that says "Mess with this guy, he LOVES IT!"? Anyway, I turn away and dodge the kiss, but then she gets all offended:

"Will AND GRACE KISS alll the TIMEEE!"

I lose it, "BITCH, that's FICTION! I am SO done with you!" And with that I snapped my fingers in the direction of the bar and dismissed her.

She looked too stunned to do anything else, so she got up (after a couple of tries) and stumbled to the bar where she picked a fight with the wrong guy and got a hearty body slam. (I seriously think she didn't even know she was face down on the bar floor until someone helped her up. Hilarious)

Cut to Friday at Uncle E's, which was Simone's last drag show. Cut to me bawling my eyes out during her last number into Jonothan Courtemanche's shirt. Cut to me drying my eyes, drinking more, and tearing up the dance floor with this incredibly sexy guy. Cut to me and Mr. Sexy putting on a show in the parking lot by his car. Basically a pretty normal night.

Saturday was pretty much the same. I went back to E's with Simone, and danced with Mr. Sexy again. Now, I'm not sure what I did or how I did it, maybe it was me thinking I was invincible or it was the booty poppin', but I THREW MY BACK OUT! For the next two days I was walking around work and everywhere else bent over, with my hand on my lower back, groaning like an old person! So I vowed never to dance like that again. Well....

Tuesday night I was back in Bloomington (feeling better) going over to the Gays House (This incredible, hilarious couple that invited us to dinner that night) with Simone, had an amazing, beyond amazing dinner, and went back to where? Oh, yeah, my bad habit: Uncle E's. It was stripper night that night though, so they had the wonderful stripper pole in the middle of the dance floor.

Well, my back was feeling better but I wanted to be cautious. So after extensive stretching, and about 5 Bacardi and cokes, I was ready to dance. On Mr. Sexy's arm (he showed up just in time), we danced the night away showing everyone up. But, it was the pole that got me in the end. I decided I was going to jump on the pole and lift myself upside down, and spin around just like the strippers do. How hard could it be? Well, let me tell you, those damn strippers make it seem so fucking easy. I jumped on the pole, flopped upside down, slid down and hit my head on the platform. It was humiliating but I got up, dusted myself off and just started swinging around the pole (with feet on the ground). This stripper guy saw me and started dancing on the pole with me. He got up behind me and said roughly in my ear,

"I'm gonna put your puny ass on my shoulders."

And before I could say, 'Huh?' I was airborne. He sure did put me on his shoulders like I was a rag doll, holding on to the pole with one hand for dear life, and dodging the lights hanging from the low lying ceiling as we went around. There we were, stacked two men high, swinging around the pole like Cirque Du So-GAY. So...that was fun. Then me and Mr. Sexy did our usual parking lot routine, I went home to a hysterical Simone (long story involving a virgin and a bong) and we did steak and shake. I thought I had escaped the night injury free, but then I woke up to find that I couldn't lift my work tote because my arm muscles were excruciatingly sore (from trying to lift my fat ass on the fucking strip pole).

I've learned two things: one to stay away from strippers. That seems clear. And two, that I'm not as young as I used to be and I need to chill out. On the bright side though, I could now just wear a shirt to the bars that says, "Take me home, I've been stretching."

June 23: Chocolate Love (It's not what you think)

Bloomington bars.

They're fun a lot of the time. But what happens when you have too much fun? Well....that's what happened on Monday.

Me and a few near and dears went out for a friend's birthday. First stop: Uncle E's. The drinks were paid for and we just had a blast of a time. Next stop: Sports. By that time I was already kinda 'in the bag' and was buying drinks left and right. After a while we met up with another friend who was with a group of his buddies for a 21st birthday party. So we're drinking, and laughing, and drinking, and talking, and drinking. The night was just swimming by in a blur and I felt like I could do anything at the drop of a swizzle stick. And then I hear someone shout,

"NIGHT MOVES!!"

First, let me say that I had never been to Night Moves. It was on my to do list, but I had never gotten around to it. So of couse I shouted "Yea let's go!!" I'm not sure what I was expecting but...

We all get there, I immediately stumble to the atm and get out cash for the ladies. Well, I'm kind of toasted so of course I just hand out money like it's candy to the birthday boy and his hot friends saying, 'You gotta tip em, you gotta tip em!' (Actually it probably sounded like "Yu goddda tip-m, yo gooddda tipppm!") I bought Mr. 21 a lap dance and the rest of us parked ourselves right off the stage. (I found out later it's called "The Buffet Line"...how charming). Well, we're sitting and drinking and I'm talking to a friend next to me when the unthinkable happened...

Out of nowhere, this dancer chick, black thong no bra, turns my head to her and shoves me into her cleavage, shakes her boobs on my head and screams "CHIGGA, CHIGGA, CHIGGA, CHIGGA!!!" (I guess she gives sound effects). I felt like I was in a musky car wash with the windows down. I mean, seriously, I almost threw up on this girl. And when she's done, she looks at me all proud and says,

"Did you like that, honey?"

"....um...*choke down the vomit*...um...yea, Cinnamon that was..*smile*...fabulous...here's your dollar...now please go away."

She didn't look hurt, just a little confused. It's like when you catch a fish and then release it back into the pond. It's sort of the same thing...right?

But I think I've learned my lesson: don't get drunk and go to a strip club expecting to escape with your wits about you.

And it's very ironic...of all the guys in that club, it had to be the homo that got the motorboat.

June 15: Bad credit = No iphone

Bummer.

That's all...BUUUUMMMEERRRR.

I was going to change phone plans, trade Verizon for ATT. And since I was going that direction, might as well get the iPhone4 right? RIGHT! Well, ATT has a security deposit for people who don't pass the CREDIT CHECK! Verizon doesn't have a credit check, so why the hell does ATT? Anyway, so I have bad credit which means I would have had to pay a lovely sum of $1000 dollars for me to even activate my phone. Well, I don't see that money again for a year, and that's if and ONLY if I pay each month on time in full for a whole year. WHEW! I have no doubt that I can do that. However, that's a lot of money. And I could think of it as a big savings account but at the same time, NO! I am NOT going to do that. I'd rather pay off some credit debt with that money and get it when I feel like it! Like Marisa says, 'Well, dang Keisha, if you didn't have a shopping problem we wouldn't be having this conversation!' ...

I know I know it's my fault I'm in this mess, and I'm gonna have to get out of it myself. Well, with Suze Orman's help that is. But, I'll pull through. I always have!

In other news, I booked my plane ticket to New York the other week. Round trip it was only $175!! Thank you Expedia.com! I'll be going July 23 thru the 27, so if you're in the city then, hit me up!!

May 22: New obsession

Kristin Chenoweth's book "A Little Bit Wicked" is on the way to French Lick as I'm writing this! Oh my goodness, I'm so excited. Yes, that's the new obsession I've alluded to...I am just so enthralled with her. She has a lot of insight into the theatre world, and Ray told me to read the book, so....I am!! And I've been looking up all her videos on youtube, and just being an all around crazy person!

In other exciting news, I have decided to visit New York in late July, so if any of ya'll will be out there, give me a shout out so we can meet up! I miss all of my school friends because I'm working full time at French Lick now, so I don't get to see them as much, but...

MUCH LOVE AND KISSES!!

May 8: New Glasses!

Hey ya'll

It turns out, distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder...glasses do!! I have been without glasses since like March. Here's what happened...

Simone and I went over to our friend Marisa's one night in early March for some giggles and fun, and by the end of the night I was so completely hammered (not proud) that I decided to walk home. Now, when I am drunk I think of clever ways to outsmart the cops (even if there are none around..) This night in particular I thought that if I ran the 10 minutes home, the cops would not be able to see me. I know, stupid idea. Well, I didn't get caught by the popos, but I did manage to lose my glasses. Because I remember walking out the door, start to run and then waking up in my bed...blind, and with a cut on the bottom of my foot. Oops!

But all is good now, I charged a pair of sleek black frames to my bursar the other day. So now I can drive at night, see the tv, and even spy on the hot neighbor boy from great distances. Hooray!

May 1: Happy Cinco De Uno?

I keep thinking the first of every month should be 'something'. Like April 1st is April Fools' Day and January 1st is Pretend to Make Life Changing Decisions Day. I know that the Kentucky Derby is today, which is great don't get me wrong, but it's kind of making me dizzy. Instead I think that everyone should run around all day with their dicks out and it can be National Suck Me Off Day! I would celebrate that holiday every year with such gusto, I may as well be the face of it...like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny...I could be the Blow Job Fairy.

Anyway, since I was practically getting YELLED AT for not updating the blog, here I am...updating the blog...HAPPY?! Life has changed a lot since the last time. My computer has crashed and I've lost my glasses, dignity, and virginity. But all hope is not lost since I have brushed up my prostitution skills and having been marching up and down Walnut looking for work. JUST KIDDING!!

Have a great Suck Me Off Day ya'll!!
XOXO
The Blow Job Fairy

*Explicit*

So, my goddamn new Pumas are squeaking. How fucking embarassing is that? And on top of that all my cards are maxed out so I can't go out and buy new ones! And if you're thinking "Lolli, there are other people in the world who would give up their arm for those shoes", well I DISAGREE! Even if I were starving in a third world country and couldn't see straight because of the malaria striking me blind, I for sure wouldn't take a hand me down pair of squeaking Pumas! I mean, come ON people get real.

Oh and the video is doing great! That baby has reached well over 500 views, and you know what that means!! BUSTED QUEENS will now be a regularily posted YouTube show featuring two of your favorite drag queens, Victoria Foxx, and Tiffany Simone Alexexander. So, search "Busted queens" every once in a while on youtube to see if there are new episodes!

Just realized I use exlamation points way too much in my writing...what's wrong with me?

BUSTED QUEENS DEBUT!!!

Hey ya'll! Haven't posted since January, get over it, not like you all weren't too busy for some of yo shit too!

Busted Queens is off the ground and on its way to Stardom! But we need EVERYONE to tell their friends about it so that it can get as many hits as possible! We wanna be famous ya'll! And if we get enough hits, we are going to make it a regular thing, so please please please help us out and plug this shit to death!

Other than a fierce video, life is business as usual...Simone is trying to get her ballet shit together, and I'm trying not to drown in booze...(Maybe not trying hard enough whoopsie ;) The new roommate Hermes has two or three women over to the apartment every damn week and the routine is always the same: Cook them dinner, serve them wine, get them in bed, take them home, and ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF ME IN THE PROCESS!! Like, DANG Keisha!

Also I've started to grow my own basil in a pot in the kitchen window...I feel like such a Suzy Q Homemaker!

Kisses!

Ipads and Lobsteritas

The New Apple iPad...I want it...NOW! In fact, I am having Apple notify me when they are available so that I can order as soon as possible!!!

By the way, anyone who has not been to Red Lobster, needs to go IMMEDIATELY..if not for the seafood, for the waiters. Oh my Jesus! They are hot, sexy, bothered, anything and everything! I wanted one of them with my lobster tail, like on the side or something...mmmmm.....wow, I'm also drunk..thank you Lobsterita!! They are tricky with those things.

In other news, I am in the market for a Video Camera so that I can hire someone to record my life...because people...you can't WRITE THIS SHIT!!!!

Jan 11: Ready, Set, RESOLUTION-IZE!!!

Ok, here come the New Year's resolutions:

-Spend less money (and don't open any new credit cards)

-Finish P90X

-Get better grades

-Have more sex

Saving money is like the bane of my adult life. (Wow, I've never referred to myself as an adult ever, weird...) I have never been in more trouble ever than with money. It's like a constant battle because I'll be in a store and absolutely fall in love with something and convince myself that I need it. Ever seen Confessions of a Shopaholic? Well, then you got a sneak peek at my life.

P90X I really have no excuse not to finish it because the deadline for the finishing point is my birthday. It's kind of like my birthday present to myself. Happy Birthday Lawrence, here's your hot body!!

Better grades? Wah wah, prolly not gonna happen but I'll at least try

Have more sex....hmmm....let me rephrase, have more sex with people who aren't already in a relationship...oops!

Here's to a Happy New Year!